For me, growth seems to come in spurts. I like to think I’m always growing, and maybe I am, but like a baby sometimes I seem to suddenly spring into the next stage of my development. Over the past several weeks I’ve been feeling an inordinate amount of growth.
Last month started when I reconnected with a past co-worker I hadn’t seen in close to 10 years. We saw each other for two hours over coffee, and it felt like we were still so much on the same path. The experience reinforced for me that “my people” are out there, always, whether or not I know who they all are.
Soon after I experienced a very difficult conversation with a family member. This brought to light some powerful insights, including that I have driven myself throughout the last few decades trying subconsciously to prove, to persuade, to earn certain recognition that I will never ever receive, no matter what I achieve. And once that source of unhealthy drive surfaced, I let it go! I am moving forward for me now, and for my kids, not for anyone else.
Then I experienced a period of exhaustion. The grief that I’d been pushing away with busy-ness (is it any coincidence that “business” and “busy-ness” sound similar?) surfaced. It became painfully apparent that I hadn’t paused to mourn my lost dreams – the “happily ever after” with the man I married, a geographically close community, a family of origin who expresses unconditional love via their actions.
For a while I just wanted to eat to try to kill the sadness. But that never really works, and by this time in April I was feeling the physical effects of eating to kill. Between the added pounds and the heavy sadness, I felt spent in every way, for the first time in years.
So I gave in to the desire to pause. For a few weeks I slept whenever I could, even during daylight. I stopped constantly pushing myself. I met my commitments to my clients and children yet I took time off from marketing and running. I read a lot. I focused less on DOing and more on BEing. I meditated consistently and realized I’m no longer afraid of silence, as I was for most of my life; in fact, I crave it.
And I had another insight: healing, physically and emotionally, hurts. New skin stretches to cover the wound. It feels tight. Healing is positive but it has its side effects. I understand now that I need to honor the process.
So I’m replenishing my energy and sense of love around me and reminding myself that every life experience happens for a reason. I’m willing to eat normally again. I have energy to run again. This weekend by reading Manifesting Change, by Mike Dooley, I remembered to keep my eyes on the prize, to visualize my new dreams without attachment to specifics. I’m in a phase of trusting the Universe right now. I pray the willingness, trust and the healing continue.
My heart’s desires include living my purpose, health, love, and financial abundance. I truly feel on my path to live my purpose, and my annual physical on Friday confirmed I am healthy. I deeply believe all else will follow from here.
Happy May to all.